//.L.E.A.H.\\ (x_wolverine_x) wrote,

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This is an entry I made for an old contest that No Sense of Sin (_nsos) held. I didn't win, but I got 17 out of 20.

Title: Not Worth Living
Band: Mest
Pairing: ex Matt/Tony
Rating: R
Author: x_wolverine_x
Summary: Matt's sad.
Disclaimer: Don't know, don't own, never happened, of course it never happened or Mest wouldn't exactly be around.

As I stepped outside the cold hit me like a slap in the face. I made my way to the sidewalk, and turned onto the street. I didn’t know where I was going, I just needed time to think. I looked up into the sky and all I saw were grey clouds. I felt a drop of water on my nose, then a few more. I zipped up my sweater, and pulled up the hood. I felt a tear glide down my cheek as I was looking at the ground. He always loved the rain.

We sat on a cliff overlooking the valley. It was raining, but we didn’t care. It made the scene all the more stunning.

‘Isn’t it breathtaking?’

I looked over at him. God he looked so beautiful. ‘It’s gorgeous.’

He smiled and turned to look at me. Drops of rain were slowly dripping down his face, and his once spiked hair was now matted to his head.

‘Tony you have no idea how beautiful you look right now’ I said to him. What I got in return was the infamous Lovato grin. He crawled closer to me, laid me on my back, and leaned over me.

‘Well Matthew, you have no idea how sexy you look right now.’ He traced a finger along my jaw line.

‘With the raindrops on your forehead and your nose, and you hair is all soaked.’

I remember that night like it was yesterday. I remember how you kissed me, how you said you loved me, and how we made love for the first time. The tears are flowing freely down my cheeks now. The rain keeps falling harder with every step I take, and everything I’m wearing is soaked. God Tony I miss you so much. I miss your smile, I miss your taste, I miss your smell, I miss your eyes, I miss the way my heart would stop when you looked at me, I miss how we would fool around behind everyone’s backs, I miss us, Tony. Why did you have to leave me?

You burst into my bedroom, tears streaming down your face.

‘Matt! How…how could you?’ You collapsed onto my floor, and dropped your head into your hands. ‘I…I thought you loved me Matt. I can’t believe I let myself fall for you.’

The whole time I sat in silence.

‘Matt, I gave my heart to you. How could you just…God I can’t believe you Matt. Why? Why would you even think of doing that? I can’t believe you fucked him.’

Your whole body was shaking from your crying. I could see the pain I caused you.

‘And right after you finished you came and found me, and you looked me in the eyes and told me you would always love me. Fuck Matt how can you live with yourself?’

Well Tony, the truth is I can’t live with myself. I did the stupidest thing anyone could ever do. I slept with your best friend. I fucked up the only good thing in my life, us. I can still see the pain in your eyes, the look of hurt you had, your scarred soul, your heart, torn from the inside. That was two weeks ago. There hasn’t been a single moment where I haven’t thought about you. I love you Tony, you know that.

The wind is starting to pick up now, and I start to shiver. I pull my hoodie tighter. The rain has lightened up to a drizzle now, but it’s still as miserable as hell out here. I look ahead to see I’ve wandered to the house we shared. I unlock the door and go inside. I see the couch we used to cuddle on while watching tv. I walk upstairs, past our bedroom, where we made love so many times. I enter the bathroom, and grab a razor. I stare at my reflection for a few seconds. Flat wet hair, red puffy eyes, God I’m so ugly. No wonder you left me. I go back to our bedroom, and lay down on the bed. I bring the blade to my neck, slicing the skin, I bring the blade down to my wrist and drag it roughly over the veins. I watch the blood pour out of the wound. I do the same to the other wrist. A pool of tears and blood begins to form all around me as I begin to lose a grip on reality.

A life without Tony Lovato is not a life worth living.
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